Let Us Ask Skinner
Confused? Doug Skinner answers our readers' questions in every issue of Crimewave.
If you could ask Nostradamus one question, what would it be?
What's that on your shirt?
If you had to taunt him, what insulting name would you use?
Poet.
At a party, my close guy friend and I were dared to make out. He kissed me, but his tongue was the only one moving, and I pulled away. Now he won't talk to me. Help!
You probably injured your friend's tongue, causing temporary aphonia. He'll probably recover in a week or so, if you keep your nasty mouth off him. To improve your technique, try practicing with a cow's tongue, available from any butcher.
Do you find hot pants attractive on a young lady?
Hot pants, set jauntily atop a mass of glossy curls, can make a fetching tam-o'-shanter. I suggest setting off milady's chapeau with a sprig of heather and a spray of bluebells. Smart women, though, know that the female animal is at her most seductive when strumming a ukulele.
I really have to pee.
That's not exactly a question. It's on the list Mark sent me though, so I may as well answer it. You may be excused. Please leave the restroom neat and clean for the next visitor.
What quantity of urine comes out of an average person in an average lifetime?
It differs according to weight, age, and sex. If you're concerned, collect your urine for a month and bring it to your doctor to be measured. There is, by the way, no such thing as an average person or lifetime. Robert Anton Wilson has courageously combated this myth by founding CSICON (Committee for the Surrealist Investigation of Claims Of the Normal), which offers a cash prize for proof of anything normal, average or ordinary. The fight against superstition must never slacken.
Why does Robert Anton Wilson make fun of you on his web page?
His site (rawilson.com) does contain a coarse little jingle about the sexual and nutritional adventures of a certain Skinner. The ditty, however, is a traditional one, and probably refers to some unsavory ancestor. Besides, everyone knows I never eat dinner.
I used to have many friends, but we moved. I cannot have friends, because I'm too shy to make friends here. My life is very lonely.
Again, that's really not a question. It might just be Mark emoting again. At any rate, you may be excused.
Did Catherine the Great really have relations with horses?
Many of her relations owned horses; her uncle, Alexis Romanov, was water polo champion of Kharkov, and kept one of the finest stables in Imperial Russia. Catherine herself kept wolfhounds, falcons and the legendary "fur-bearing trout" of the Pechora (actually a rare breed of legless otter).
I have half a boiled egg, a ten pound bag of sea salt, and a frozen Big Mac. Can you help me prepare a meal?
Mix it together, and put it in the microwave. Don't use a metal bowl. I suggest using only half the salt, to reduce your sodium intake.
Do different species of dogs speak the same language?
Dogs all belong to the same species— Canis familiaris—and do not speak a language. However, I will try to help you as you grope toward the light.
Dogs communicate partially by vocalizing, but mostly by urine and feces. This will no doubt prove enchanting to my editor and his readers, given the disturbing amount of "potty topics" this column seems to provoke. Although the practice of marking and sniffing has no real linguistic structure, there are subtleties and variations within it. Peeing on a fireplug means "This is mine"; spraying a tree means "Dibs on this"; dumping on the sidewalk means "I rule this town."
My parents don't like me even looking at boys, but I'm at that age when I'm getting interested in boys. What should I do?
I need more information about you for a precise answer. Are you a 13-year-old girl, a troubled college youth, a grandmother, or a middle-aged married man? The best I can offer are a few ground rules that apply to all.
Don't stalk. Don't have sex until the first date. Gargle before kissing. Practice with a cow's tongue. Drink heavily to overcome your inhibitions. Get everything in writing. Don't dress alike. Don't flirt with his parents. To break the ice, whisper this: " Roses are red,/ They grow in the dirt,/ I don't have panties on/ Under my skirt. (This quatrain was written by a friend who, for professional reasons, requests anonymity.)
What do they pay you to do this column?
$250.00, plus reprint rights.
Do you have a pulse?
"The regular throbbing of the arteries": yes. "A throb of life, emotion, etc.": not this morning. "The prevailing sentiments of the public": apparently not. "The edible seeds of certain leguminous plants": maybe later.
What's your favorite memory from childhood?
I was spirited from my cell in a basket in the dead of night, and a mute idiot boy left in my place. There was a confused rush of carriages, forests, and back-country inns. I remember my guardians were strict, but kind.
Can you teach me about Tantric Sex if I fly to New York?
No.
Who wrote the Bible?
Your mother was famous for this in Tijuana. I guess the family is the last to know.
What would you advise I wear to my uncle's water polo match?
A robe of trout fur and the crown jewels.
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Doug Skinner is a mysterious man of many talents. He is a singer, songwriter, player of many odd and antique instruments. He is Crimewave's only contributor who has played at the White House and the Knitting Factory. He is a Fortean scholar who has written for such publications as Fate, and the Fortean Times. He can be seen in the NY area playing with his band White Knuckle Sandwich.Send your queries to Ask Skinner c/o Crimewave, or mail them to us at P.O. Box 980301, Ypsilanti, MI 48198.