DogStar Boy:
The Amazing Appeal Of Keanu
Ok, I admit it- deep down inside my 26 year old body and soul resides a perpetually 13-year-old girl. It was this 13 year-old me that could not pass up the chance to see Keanu Reeves and his garage band orchestra, Dogstar. I mean, let’s face it— he’s dreamy. I hadn’t been so excited since I saw Rick Springfield in 1983. What could be better than seeing Keanu play in a band? Perhaps a Brad Pitt ‘95 Tour or Johnny Depp coming to the local mall, but I prefer Keanu.
The long-awaited day arrived and Tracy, Julie, Sue and I polished and primped ourselves for our evening with Keanu. We got a bit concerned as we watched news reports that a line was already forming for the general admission show at 4 p.m. The concert was sold out and some die hard Keanu lovers wanted to be guaranteed a good view.
We arrived at the Ritz, a rock club in Roseville, Michigan, located in a strip mall right next to the Liberty Bowl bowling alley. I had never been to the Ritz before, but Walter had recently seen Weird Al Yankovic there (I swear it’s true.) There was a huge line, reminiscent of waiting for the Gemini (fill in the name of your favorite local roller coaster here). Luckily, they separated the line into over 21 and under 21. Us legal drinkers were marched right into the front entrance by a bouncer with an amazing resemblance to a young Chuck Berry.
Once inside, we were enchanted by the ambiance of The Ritz: a vestibule of mirrors, a huge Saturday Night Fever lighted disco floor, a strobe light and lots of wacky 70’s art on the wall. Thismust have been a happening disco joint in its heyday.
We immediately ran to the bar to slam some ice beers. It was obvious that this was a chick night, with women automatically taking over the men’s bathrooms (Right on, Sisters!). The women to men ratio was estimated by us as 12 to 1. the men in attendance seemed to fall into one of two categories: a) guys accompanying a date/girlfriend; b) the regulars hoping to benefit from the grossly skewed women to men ratio.We knew two men at the show, Ken and Walter. Fortunately, they fit into the first category.
There were three bands playing that night and Dogstar would be the last. The first band came on, wearing black vinyl suits and singing Iggy Pop covers. Sue and I ran down to the stage to get a closer peek. Of course, we started to mock, laugh at and insult the band, especially the lead singer and his shameless pointing and grimacing. This loud taunting continued until a woman next to us with a pained expression on her face, informed me that we were standing behind several family members of the band. OOPS!
The next band was doing some sort of alterna-folk thing. To be honest, we were too busy sucking down beers to notice or care.
Finally it was time for Keanu- I mean Dogstar. the place was packed; with fire regulations deemed unimportant compared to Keanu’s visit. There was a strange haze in the air that could have been smoke or perhaps just the steamy heat and humidity, but I believe the air was filled with a mass emission of progesterone and estrogen. I think that every woman in that building started ovulating simultaneously.
As the band came on, we tried to get closer to the stage, but the women were holding tight with their territory. No one was going to lose their prime Keanu viewing spot. It was so hot that the bouncers were throwing pitchers of water on the crowd. Or were they fulfilling their nonstanding fantasy of creating the largest wet T-shirt contest ever?
And there he was- Keanu, looking just as cute in person as he does in the movies. He wore a blue and white plaid shirt, baggy khaki’s and tennis shoes. He still had the beef and brawn from “Speed”, but with his hair and scruffy beard, he also had that “Bill and Ted” appeal. Women shrieked, screamed and took turns hoisting each other up on their shoulders for a better look at the K-MAN.
As for the band Dogstar, let’s just say they were completely forgettable. I asked about eight different people what or who they thought Dogstar sounded like; I got the same response each time. “I don’t know, they don’t really remind me of anything or anyone.” Yeah, they left quite an impression. The lead singer had long blonde hair and the drummer said the word fuck and sounded like a junior high school kid who swears to sound cool. Keanu played bass and introduced a couple of songs. that’s all I can remember.
As the show concluded, our beer buzzes were wearing thin from our profuse sweating and hormone secretion. On the way home I recorded our final thoughts and impressions on the Keanu experience:
Dawn: I liked that woman in the homemade Keanu coat.
Sue: I felt fairly certain I would run into her; I’m a little sad I didn’t because she was such a highlight.
Tracy: He was a fox. I’m sorry but OH- he’s a fox. He sets off every hormone in my body. I don’t care if there were 2,000 women that felt the same way. He’s a great big stud.
D: Yes he is.
T: There is no one quite like him; who can put out such a sexual aura. Norm and I were having this discussion and I said, “If I have the opportunity to bring Keanu Reeves home, I’m going to.” And he was all offended, but I said to him, “If you had the chance to bone Drew Barrymore, I’d be so happy for you.” Please! it’s Keanu Reeves, come on! I don’t care what kind of relationship you’re having, if you have the chance to fuck Keanu... give me a break. Then when I talked to Norm today, he said he thought it was cool that I said he could make it with Drew Barrymore with my permission and endorsement.
Limo with paper flowers drives by
D: So my question is, is this limo people who got married or people who went to Keanu?
T: I think they got married and then went to Keanu.
S: What a good man to take his wife to Keanu reeves for their honeymoon.
D: You know he’s going to get some good lovin’ tonight.
S: What foreplay! What foreplay!
T: She’s just lying back going “Keanu! Keanu!”
D: I think all the men who went tonight...
T: ...were like, “I’m getting laid”.
S: Yeah, he’s a big old fox.
T: Walter got me this Dogstar poster for free.
D: What’s the deal on that?
T: He know’s a couple of men who work there. I asked if I could meet Keanu but he didn’t know anyone backstage. I asked him to come with me and buy a poster and he just got it for me.
D: That’s nice when he works his little nerd magic.
S: Yeah, he’s good. He said, “I was here a month ago to see Weird Al Yankovic, and you missed that.” And I said, “No, I’m fairly certain I didn’t miss a thing.” Then he explained the show to me.
D: I liked how he said that Weird Al sought out Mike and gave him his guitar pick. He felt like it was a real nerd connection.
S: Yeah, I’m happy for him, but I didn’t miss a thing. The drummer of Dogstar should not have sang and he shouldn’t use the word fuck and try to be such a bad boy.
D: I agree. I want to know what it is about Keanu that drives women crazy. It’s fascinating.
S: He has a wonderful body. He does the unkempt look well and there is that endearing airhead quality.
D: Yeah, you’re right– cause he looks sloppy but he doesn’t look gross, where you’re like, “Hey buddy, wash your hair.”
S: Yeah, he’s sloppy, but not dirty.
D: That’s a fine line many cannot walk.
T: Oh, I’m sorry, I would not care if he smelled like a fucking pig.
D: Ok, so what could he smell like Tracy?
T: He could smell like just about anything.
D: Like skunk?
T: I don’t care.
D: like a pile of hot, steaming shit?
T: I don’t care. I would wear nose plugs.
D: Rotten eggs?
T: Nose plugs.
S: I’ve got to hand it to you, scents are really overpowering and sensual to me.
D: Yes they are, I agree.
T: I’m sorry, he’s a fox. I’d bone him.
S: I’d bone him.
D: Yes indeedy.
S: I guess I’d even think of nose plugs if it got really bad. Although I think aromas are an important sexual pleasure, still I’d have to look the other way.
D: What if he had oozing sores on his body, but they were covered with band-aids?
T: OK
S: Of course it depends on where the pus-like sores were.
D: Good point.
S: I mean, are they on his shoulders, back, genitalia?
D: Yeah, oozing sores are a bad sign.
S: I don’t care who he is.
D: Yes, that’s a bad idea. Anyone with runny sores on their genitalia, you’ve just got to say no.
S: So it would have to be that bad to say no to Keanu.
T: But, what if the sores stopped at his belly button– it would be OK.
S: Yeah, you gotta draw the line, and the line is south of the Equator. But north of the equator, that’s ok. And another thing that makes him so sexy cute is his boyishness. He’s a Man-Boy. Men-Boy are hard to find. You think you’ve got a Man-Boy and they turn out to be a Boy-Boy. or worse, a Guy-Boy. But that’s better than a Man-Man, who’s boring and gross.
(At this point, Tracy passed out into a quiet Keanu slumber and Sue explained her amazing and fascinating theory about Men-Boys, Guy-Boys, Boy-Boys and Men-Men. I’m hoping to convince her to write it up for the next Crimewave U.S.A.)
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When she's not leading spirited discussions about the pitfalls and placements of runny sores, Dawn Roth is a clinical psychologist who works with adolescents. She is currently on hiatus from this job, as she is busy raising her son to be a Man-Boy, the best kind.